I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
