Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
