So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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