it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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