Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just had sex on a roof
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
