We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
