dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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