Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
