I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
