I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
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