I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
