i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
