theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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