He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
