He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
