To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
