so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Never let your siblings swipe right.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
