Can i not drive my cunt home
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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