P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
