last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize