Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Randomize
