Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
