I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
