Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
