k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We left an ass print on the piano.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
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