There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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