Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
