Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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