I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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