I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
