Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
