Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
