New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
