So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
