Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Quick, to the slutcave!
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
