Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
