My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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