the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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