Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
