There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
