What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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