dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
