What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
