grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I want to be your penis for a week.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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