I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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