Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
