I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
