You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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