I think I died a long time ago.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
