No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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